To really release shame I think it helps to recognize how it is showing up in your life.
When you internalize these emotions and keep telling yourself this story subconsciously it will manifest in your life. How did this internal shaming and story telling of who "I AM" (my false belief) show up in my life? It showed up mostly as my actions but it takes a toll on body, mind, and soul. I half abandoned my body when I had an abortion. Let's face it, our whole life experience cannot be summed up in one moment in time. Usually, we're already predisposed, weakened, triggered by each happening of our life that we don't work through.
For instance, my truth that I revealed to you has so much more to it. It's not even linear as much as I want to keep it that way for the understanding of the reader. Life is like a web and each experience we weave into our whole becomes a piece of another. Looking at my own story I AM just beginning to see how that played a part in my childhood and will be a part of me in adulthood and how the shame from that triggers internally when unhealed. It shows up in personal shame from my experiences and the story of others. The complexities of it all can be summed up in the simpleness of remembering that we belong to each other. We are one. Our oneness is so vital to our existence and so forgotten by many. If feels like although this is relevant and needs to be touched upon I AM getting a little off track for today's wisdom.
Let's get back to the question. How does my hidden story manifest physically in my life? Ask yourself this while I begin to give you a glimpse of how it has shown up in my life. I shared with you my struggles of worth, taking care of myself, and striving. Because I either self-placed or collectively placed the feeling that I was not good- period- I had to roll the rock up the hill only to watch it roll down again. Meaning I pushed, I worked endlessly, I sought the illusion of perfection really believing it to be real...just not a reality for me. Because I was unworthy I had debt to pay off and that I was endlessly doing for others without wanting to receive.
So, I have perfection tendencies, overachieving without taking rest, never listening to my inner self and seeking externally for guidance, love. What I should be doing....Ack, should, what an awful word. That word sets you up to be wrong. Now I can see why that became a regular word for me to use. Should gives you the idea that whatever you are doing right now is not right or what ever you had planned to do is not right and then add that to I should have...well that makes you wrong in the past as well.
It showed up in me always apologizing. Like my very voice must be an inconvenience. Sorry I don't know this but... Sorry to ask for help but...Sorry I ran into you chair...yah it is comical but how many of you can relate? Basically, let's just apologize for existing...am I right?
Basically, I just shrank. I shrank in my knowing, I shrank in my sureness. I became little.
Oh sure I was passionate but I let my feelings of "who do you think you are" belittle me over and over. I have so much I KNOW but lacked confidence to be seen. If I were seen I would be found out. It manifested as always being painfully shy. Even things I knew I shined in could be second guessed by this deep-rooted feeling. The thing about our hidden stories that I hope becomes clear is that it shows up everywhere. My abortion had nothing directly related to public speaking but it showed up there anyway. Because I had taken my shame and turned it into "Im not good enough. I am bad. I am alone. I am unacceptable" it showed up in me being unsure of what I had full knowledge of. I don't want to let on that this is solely the only reason for my shyness but you can see how can compound and become reinforced if not healed.
Another way hiding my story was disrupting my life was that I could not fully connect the way I wanted to with my kids (and my husband before he knew) So now the many many years of how I connected- or disconnected- have created a pattern that although released now have a lot of undoing. When you feel unworthy of something, in my case I always had this story in my head that because I had an abortion I wasn't worthy of kids. I tell everyone that all I've ever wanted was to be a mother and a wife so now that I have this I don't feel worthy of it. In the release of my shame, I see I AM worthy and that is why I have this because I was always worthy. I was always LOVE and the universe had never abandoned me even when I abandoned myself. The universe always mirrored the love that I AM and with grace waited for me to know it. It wasn't until I stopped listening to the voices of the world who told me I should feel shame and that I was unworthy that I began to listen to my own voice.
I want you to know that whatever the world says you are or are not according to your shame story are not truths unless it is in favor of love. We can't let the false truths push us down, make us shrink, dim our light. You are not someone's opinion of you. Whatever is causing you to feel shame. You've been raped, you have cheated, you've been cheated on, you've been abused, you've had an abortion, you've had a miscarriage, you're afraid to be your true self, you're gay...Whatever it is that has created this shame- release it. It's not real. It's an illusion.
Here is something I just learned. I learned that no matter the healing, seeking, striving, the doing pattern could never give me what I truly needed. I needed to lean into my hurts and listen to the shadow, see it, and bring it to light. I needed to cleanse my hurt so I could alchemize it to love. I now love the word alchemize because I finally get it. I finally see what the once great mystery means. It means taking poison and changing it to medicine. I know the way I journeyed into my healing was right but what I did not fully realize was that I would be the great magician. I would be the one to create healing. I could see as many healers & energy workers as I wanted but until I realized that I had the power I would never create that medicine.
The healers I have seen and the work we have done was vital and in order to the process. They showed me the way. I was cleansed, lightened, and enlightened but I learned that I would never fully BE what I wanted to be if I kept running from myself. I couldn't know that I was always what I was seeking because I couldn't SEE myself. I spent 15 years not wanting to see myself. So I divided. I left part of my body because I felt disgusted. I left part of my heart because why do I deserve love. I left part of my voice because who was I to talk. I gave up so much of me because I didn't feel worthy.
I didn't want to receive, NO I couldn't allow myself to receive without guilt. Not acceptance, not pleasure, not worthiness of this life, of my kids, of abundance and these, were external and internal.
Add this to numbing and if you haven't read Brene Brown, please do, she tells us that you cannot selectively numb. When you numb the hard stuff- the sadness, the hurt, the disgust you don't just get to not feel those you also do not get to feel the joy, the love, the happiness. You cannot pick which emotions you feel. That is the biggest truth. Such brutiful truth. You live a life half lived at best. If you're thinking to yourself right now "My life seems good enough as it is without owning my truth" think about how great it would feel, how holy it would feel to unlock the truth and live your fullest, most authentic self?
It happens I tell you, when you become free when you slay those dragons that keep you "Safe" you allow the world to love you for all that you are but you most importantly welcome yourself home. Don't you want to feel at home in your body, heart, and mind again? Don't you want to love yourself whole? Don't you want to recognize that all you have been seeking and I know that looks different for everyone, will come the moment you stop fighting the release? I think most of us actually long for our guard to drop and just open our hearts and let the heaviness pour out. To feel all that we have always been- LOVE- wash over us. We are exhausted. We are tired. We are yearning for freedom from ourselves.
Let it out. I promise you that the harder the fight to keep it covered the harder you become. You just need 10 minutes of courage to just let it go. I promise you the before is the crescendo its loud and it's big but when it's out your chorus sings of freedom and whisperings of love.
I AM home. I am free. I am love.
Only love is real. the rest will fall away.
Only love is rea. The rest will fall.
Only love is real
You ARE love.