I came to a point in my life where I literally felt could crawl out of my skin if I continued on living in a Pleasantville world, where I was trying to meet the standards of what was considered a "Good Girl".
I had grown out of the suffocating straight jacket idealizations of what a good girl meant in the eyes of everyone I loved and even those I didn't. I wasn't a good girl, I was a woman living in fear and being good was something I'd never get back.
I was tired of being perfect. Of being perfect for acceptance- from myself and from others. I couldn't bottle up enough people-pleasing to make up for the ultimate sin- and it's not my abortion I'm talking about but the abandoning of my body and worth.
The only true sin I ever committed was looking around the world as a barometer of my worth and pacifying the time, watching the clock, working overtime trying to fool the world into seeing me as good enough- exceptional, a real all American good girl.
Quiet, complacent, observant, imitating and intimidated. I spent years being these things. Looking outward trying to figure out how to feel good on the inside. But it just kept gnawing at me, through judgment and shaming, that no matter the love and kindness I put out there I could never counterbalance the wrong I had done, had been, and am.
It's destructive that we idealize and celebrate those who make these rules, these standards, these laws, and mentalities. As a collective, we condone shame, guilt, and separation to make sure our points are heard and adhered to. It is this notion that majority rule becomes the truth and law even over personal beliefs and mental, physical, and emotional wellness. We would rather see the minority suffer as a result of what we deem unforgivable because of these rules and status quo. The greatest treason I see is placing our beliefs and creating laws forbidding bodily autonomy and personal authority to capable people in the name of what- Holding a powerful sanction?
I speak as an expert in the field of MY life. I have lived, breathed, and bore witness to my life and my truth- which makes me the one expert of my story. Having said this- your shame perpetuates shame which hinders education, compassion, and community. Your personal shame against yourself and the shame you partake in. Justifying your right against my wrong without compassion and sovereignty has been our downfall and continues to further drive the division. Will further perpetuate this image of good girls and bad girls (notice we aren't even maturing into women?)
The antidote to being a good girl is not being bad or whatever patriarchal nonsense we use on the daily to determine if you're pleasant or troublesome. The antidote to being a good girl is self-acceptance, belief, and action to make a life full of your own ideas, ideals, and spend time living an authentic, meaningful, and purposeful life.
...and if you're going to be considered a bad girl living that life... I guess that's a price you better be willing to pay to pave the way for true change, compassion, and a new paradigm. Hiding behind a good girl's shadow is killing the woman you really ARE.