Dear 15 year old self, You are Free.

Updated: Mar 6, 2019

Let's see. Where to begin? Now that it's been brought to light what do I do with it?

Things I've been asking myself since I've had my shadow brought to light. I've spoken my truth. I've uttered the words. I've shared out loud to a small number who've helped in my healing. Do I speak my truth to the world? Have they earned my trust? Have they earned the right to know my deepest sorrows? No. No, but it's not for them directly. It's for me, the wounded child in me and for the others who carry around the heaviness. And yet in a way, it will be for the world. It will be for everyone who has or will take on shame and carry it around and for those who inflict shame on others- its really for them too.

I've been contemplating how to begin this. How to get this out there. How to free me. Would it be addressed to the generic everyone, those who are closest to me, or to my younger self? I decided to let it flow and it would probably be a combination of these. So as I let go and let myself be at my most vulnerable please be kind, be loving, be compassionate. I am giving myself the gift of full authenticity. To show up exactly who I AM, unapologetic, and lay it out there.

Family, best friend, readers- I know you'll be shocked. I hope your feeling comes from love. That you care so deeply about me that you feel my pain in hiding from my own story. I AM not trying to change anybody's mind what I AM doing is giving you perspective and asking you to show compassion and community to yourself and others.

Self- listen up- this letter is for you. You never have to explain yourself, you never have to take on ill feelings of others, you must learn that you are and always have been enough. You are and you always have been worthy. You are and always have followed your soul's journey even if you didn't yet understand it.

Dear sweet 15-year-old Tasha,

Someday you'll be 30 and you'll still feel a great sadness inside. You won't want to think about it and you'll wonder why you struggle to feel good enough, to take care of yourself, to speak your truth, and to stand in your own power. You'll wonder if you can just keep going? Why not it's been 15 years. No one needs to know. If you keep silent it'll almost be like it never happened. It'll almost be like the shame that accumulated inside and outside of you will punish you enough and then it'll go away.

You can do yoga, you can take nutrition, you can do affirmations, and you can look only close enough before you turn away from getting in too deep. But it's not going to go away. Someday you'll be shocked to realize you've spent half your own life in hiding. Being poisoned. Someday you'll realize that the shame might not even have been first. It might just have been the persuasion of society telling you that you should feel shameful. That what you've "done" is who you are.

So you will never be good...ever.

Someday you will finally see your experience and you will be OK, you will be better. You will feel lighter. You will feel like you took the first steps to fully accept yourself. But it won't be enough. It won't be enough for you to just move on. To love yourself whole and full and see your worth. It won't be enough because you won't be free. You will still live in fear that if you were found out or if you spoke your truth you'd be talked down by others you'd be shamed, you'd be left by people you care about, you'd be looked at differently.

I want to tell you that it doesn't matter what they think because you are loved by many and it is most important to love and honor yourself. You are smart, and you are kind, and you are so full of love and fire that you will rise up and fight like hell for yourself. Not for them to free you but for you to free yourself from them. It will be revolutionary for you to stand in your power and not apologize for who you are and what you've done and to extend your hand and your heart to the others who've not yet realized their worth. To give a voice the others still drowning in their shame, sadness, and story. Speak your truth.

15 year old lost, sad, half abandoned from her body self says: I had an abortion.

The world around me says I am bad. I am a killer. I am not worthy to have kids. I am a slut. I am irresponsible. I am to blame. I am shameful. I was good and now I am not. I must either be silent about it and be alone or speak about it and be alone. I am alone.

30-year-old self: you are none of those things. You never have been and you never will be anything other than love. No one owns your body. No one owns your heart. No one owns your story. No one ever will. Repeat after me. I AM LOVE.

15-year-old self: I want to believe it but how do I begin to believe what the world tells me otherwise?

30-year-old self: It's come time to be free. The only one who can open the cage is you. Its always been you. You've held the lock and you've held the key and you've been the bird in the cage keeping yourself a prisoner. Protection or prison knows no difference when you keep contained the story of your heart. Speak your story and heal yourself. Heal yourself to heal the world.

Someday you will meet your partner. The man who will show you the greatest love outside yourself and he will love you unconditionally. I mean that truly with all my heart he will make you feel at home. You will know GOD {Universe/Divine/Source} loves you and does exist and believes in your worth. He will bring out those deep, tired hurts and he will hold you and tell you that all you've ever been is enough, beautiful, and loved. He will show you the road to healing and he will walk with you. He won't try to fix or heal you, he won't try to do that because he knows you are not broken. He would take away your hurts if he could and he does with his love. He knows you are strong and you can change that hurt to wisdom. He will be here because you are loved.

Someday you will meet your babies and you will be the mama you always dreamed of being. It will be the right time. It will all be a part of the grander plan. I will tell you that you are worthy of being their mama. That they handpicked you to bring them into the world. They chose you and they will remind you of all the things you are. He will remind you that you are brave. That fears are something to step up to not stop you. She will remind you to be wild. That being tame and quiet doesn't serve you. That loving means being true to yourself. That confidence is a choice. He will teach you that you can always love more. That love is infinite and ever expanding. They will be here because you are loved.

Someday your sisterhood will ebb and flow and you will find women who hold space for you to unravel. You will find yourself speaking whispering of your soul without apology. They will allow you to grow. They will be around when you laugh when you cry, and when you want to run away they will bring you back to life. They will be here because you are loved.

Someday you will be faced with the choice to love yourself simply because you are worth it. You can receive all the outside validation, appreciation, understanding, and love but if you don't give it to yourself you won't ever be free. Release yourself from shame, stand up and say I did what I did because that was right for me, open yourself to the compassion you give others. Be authentic. Be real. Be courageous. Be untamed. Speak your truth. Embrace your power. Use your voice. Be free you have nothing to fear. To be free is to love. To love is to be in truth.

Only love is real. The rest will fall away

Only love is real. The rest will fall

Only love is real

And I AM love



© By the Moon Oracle.